Vitser!

[Christian]

Sleng opp en vits eller to, godt å ha noe å le av

Den ene svensken til den andre: Hva har du der på nakken? Å, det er bare et fødselsmerke.
Hvor lenge har du hatt det da?

;D ;D

[Hawken]

A little boy came down to breakfast. Since he lived on a farm, his mother asked if he had done his chores.

“Not yet,” said the little boy. His mother tells him he can’t have any breakfast until he does his chores. Well, he’s a little pissed, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig.

He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal. “How come I don’t get any eggs and bacon? Why don’t I have any milk in my cereal?” he asks.

“Well,” his mother says, “I saw you kick a chicken, so you don’t get any eggs. I saw you kick the pig, so you don’t get any bacon, either. I also saw you kick the cow, so you aren’t getting any milk this morning.”

Just about then, his father comes down for breakfast, and he kicks the cat as he’s walking into the kitchen. The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, “Are you going to tell him, or should I?”






HÆHÆHÆÆHHÆÆ!!!!!! ;D ;D

[Eirik Vandal]

æ har en hjemmelaga en...

Det var en gang en mann som hadde et ark.
Så klipte han det i to og sa:
"Hei to!"

hihihihi ;D

[Hawken]

This guy's at work when he receives a call from the hospital informing him that his wife's been in an accident. He rushes to the emergency room where he's met by the doctor. They sit down in the waiting room and the doctor, with a very solemn look on his face starts to speak. But before he can, the guy interrupts.

Guy: "Doc, don't tell me my wife's dead. I just can't take it. Really, I can't take it. I love her."

Doctor: "Well, sir, I do have some bad news."

Again the guy interrupts.

Guy: "Doc, just tell me, did she make it?"

Doctor: "As I was saying, we did all we could. Right now she's in a vegatative state, which is likely where she'll remain for the rest of her life. She can stay here overnight, but after that, you'll have to take her home because your insurance doesn't cover this type of thing."

The guy slumps, just crushed.

Doctor: "With the right care, which will include you feeding her five times a day, cleaning her and giving her constant care on a daily basis, she'll likely live for at least another 30 years."

The guy sinks even lower, just crushed, and starts to cry.

Doctor: "As I said, your insurance doesn't cover this kind of care, so you'll have to make some sort of arrangements to purchase the equipment you'll need for your wife. I would suggest you put your house on the market today and sell it as quickly as possible and buy a mobile home. You're gonna need the excess cash. It should be enough to buy the equipment your wife needs and for you to live on for the next couple of months. By then, you should be able to qualify for welfare and other forms of state and federal aid."

By this point, the guy is sobbing uncontrollably.

The doctor reaches over, puts his hand on his shoulder and says, "Hey, look at me." The guy looks up and the doctor smiles and says, "I'm just fucking with you, she's dead."

HAHAHAHAHA ;D

[Mikael]

hehe... den var bra

d var en gang tre tøffe mus som ikke klarte å bli enig om hvem som var tøffest.

den ene sa :"jeg er så tøff at jeg drikker rotte gift til frokost!!

da sa den andre: "haha... jeg bruker musefella til benkpress!!
akkurat da han hadde sagt det, gikk den tredje musa.
"hvor i helvete har du tenkt deg??"

"å jeg, jeg skal bare hjem å pule katta"

[bonafide]

Svenskene hevder at de stammer fra apene, men Apene nekter!

[deaven]

Jeg fant på en her om dagen, så nå burde jo ALLE le.

Why is it that Bush can eat humans and not monkeys?
-punchline-
Cause that would be cannabalisme

[Hawken]

Fant en herlig en på udødelige Ebaumsworld:


This guy was lonely, and decided life would be more fun if he had a pet. So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet. After some discussion, he finally bought a centipede which came in a little white box to use for his house.

He took the box back home, found a good location for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the bar to have a beer or two. So he asked the pet, "Would you like to go to Sam's with me and have a beer?"

But there was no answer from his new pet. This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked him again, "How about going to the bar and having a drink with me?"

But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation. He decided to ask him one more time; this time putting his face up against the centipede's house and shouting, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go to Sam's place and have a drink with me?"

A little voice came out of the box: "I heard you the first time! I'm putting on my shoes."

[Mikael]

Kråke jeger

Det var en gang en bonde som hadde problemer med at kråkene spiste opp alle jordbærene hans. Han ble tipset av en kamerat om en fremragende jeger som ikke bodde så lagt unna. Han ringte jegeren og de avtalte at han skulle komme neste dag for å skyte kråker.
- Når kommer du, da? lurte bonden.
- Tja, sånn åtte - ti på halv ni.

Presis klokka åtte neste morgen kom jegeren og de skaut kråker hele dagen. Da kvelden kom var det ennå mange kråker igjen, så de avtalte at jegeren skulle komme igjen neste dag.
- Du kommer vel sånn åtte - ti på halv ni i morgen også, da? spurte bonden.
- Ja, det er greit, svarte jegeren.

Og neste dag var han der igjen - presis klokka åtte. Så skaut de kråker igjen. Da de hadde holdt på en stund og skulle ha en pause, sa bonden:
- Jeg la merke til at du skaut med børsa på høyre skulder i går, men i dag skaut du på venstre skulder. Hva kommer det av?

- Å, det er det at jeg skyter like bra på begge skuldrene, så det har ingenting å si for meg hvilken skulder jeg bruker.
- Men hvordan bestemmer du deg for hvilken skulder du skal bruke, da? lurte bonden.
- Jeg pleier å se på kjerringa om morgenen.

Ligger hun på høyre side, skyter jeg på høyre skulder og ligger hun på venstre side skyter jeg på venstre skulder, svarte jegeren.

- Men hva om hun ligger på ryggen, da? spurte bonden.

- Joda, da kommer jeg ti på halv ni ...

[Mikael]

Empire State Building

En neger gikk opp på toppen av Empire State Building. Der så han en mann som satt og drakk øl på kanten av rekkverket.

- Sett deg ned og ta en øl med meg! sa mannen.
- Nei det vil jeg ikke, men ølen kan jeg godt ta ja, svarte negeren.

Etter en stund satte negeren seg ned sammen med denne mystiske mannen. Da sier han
- Det er tomt for øl, hopp ned og hent noe til oss!
Negeren ville selvfølgelig ikke det for han viste at det ville medføre døden.
- Nei vel, sa mannen og hoppet ned og kom like fort tilbake med en pose full av ølflasker. Etter en stund ble det tomt igjen og dette gjentok seg noen ganger.

Etter en stund sa mannen at nå var det negeren sin tur til å hoppe ut å hente noen øl til dem.
- Hm...OK, sa negeren. Han tenkte at kan denne mannen greie det, så kan vel jeg også. Negeren hoppet ned og trynet ble skviset mot asfalten 254 etasjer lengre ned. Så kom vaktmesteren opp og sa.

- Du er ikke mye hyggelig når du har tatt noen øl, Supermann!

[bonafide]

Det er bedre å ha en pen softis enn en soft penis!!
Det er bedre å tisse på mose, enn å mose tissen! XD

[bonafide]

Det er bedre å ta ti skritt i taket enn å ta ti tak i skrittet!!!

[Anders]

Blant mine favoritter!:
Det er bedre å stikke nesa i andre sine saker,
enn å stikke andre sine saker i nesa!! ;D

[bonafide]

Alle barna døde, unntatt Fredrik han spiste non-stop

Alle barne het jens, unntatt Per han het Joakim.

[liveshit]

alle barna var fyllasjuk på 17 mai , untatt aage , han gikk i barnetoget.